Miscarriage: Thoughts

Thoughts I have had since finding out I miscarried

• Why am I not more sad right now?

• Am I broken? Meaning why have I barely cried about the miscarriage. I am someone who cries at everything. Movies, books, tv shows, commercials. If I am telling a story or just thinking about something sometimes I have to fight back tears even if it’s not sad. It’s odd if tears don’t fall out of my face sometime in the day. For reference Ethan and I watched all of the seasons of Amazing Race (they are on Amazon Prime and if you have not done that I would highly recommend it we are really sad we have no more left to watch) anyway let’s just say I easily cried in probably more than half of the episodes of the Amazing Race. When a team was eliminated I cried when a team won I cried. I am sure there were moments during the episodes I cried. Regardless I feel broken as I have barely cried since this has all happened

• If I do allow myself to think about it and cry will I be able to stop. Anyway I think this is the real reason I have barely cried is I am scared to.

• Did I cause this? I know I didn’t but you still think it. Two scenarios have crossed my mind
  • 1) Right after finding out were pregnant I took a sip of Ethan’s beer. I hate beer, but it’s just something I usually always just do to just try it and it is just kind of turned into a thing that always happens. I usually always make a gross face and say “tastes like beer” regardless I forgot and did it. Obviously I know that nothing happened because of that, but it was a quick thought it my mind
  • 2) Shortly after finding out I was pregnant I kind of tripped and lost my balance and fell backwards really hard on the floor. So after the miscarriage I remembered that and googled if falls could cause miscarriage. Guess what very unlikely, but it was still a thought.

• What if I miscarry again? Obviously this is a thought probably all women who miscarry have. But I keep thinking about what if we just got blessed with Essie. What if we actually will struggle to have another baby? I know that may not happen, but what if.

• Is something wrong because I don’t feel like I know if the baby was a girl or a boy? Am I wrong for being glad I was not far enough along to know the gender? Am I wrong for not wanting to choose a name (I know some people do)?
  • Honestly I think one reason I am glad I don’t feel one way or the other if it was a boy or girl is because I think knowing would make me more sad. Thinking about if it was a boy makes me sad because what if we don’t every have a boy and this baby was it. If the baby was a girl it would make me sad sort of for the same reasons. What if we don’t have another girl? I really want more girls. Either way I think knowing one way or the other would make this more difficult.

• How do I go about remembering this little life that we were so excited about? Is there a right way a wrong way. It is so hard when I don’t really have anything physically to remember this little one by.

• How did I not know something was wrong? It is so hard knowing that for several weeks I had no idea baby had stopped developing. Basically we had told everyone in that few week time span that we were pregnant and we had no idea. It is just hard because if something happened or was wrong I just always thought I would know, but that was not the case and it honestly just kind of sucks. It sucked having to message and tell everyone that we had told about the baby that we had lost it.

• Again just feeling like my feelings are wrong. Am I not processing what happened enough? Should I be thinking about this little one we lost more than I am or will that just come with time?

• Thinking about how I haven’t fully understood miscarriage until I have experienced it and feeling bad as I haven’t loved those in my life maybe as well as I could have who have experienced miscarriage.

• I am so very thankful I have Essie. I think if I did not already have a little one this miscarriage would be a lot more difficult. She keeps me busy and makes me laugh a lot. Also it just helps knowing we already have a wonderful daughter to love on while we are waiting on God to bless us with another little one.

One last thing I wanted to share was from on my way to and from going to get my ultrasound. I knew I wanted to listen to worship music and I also feel like when I have the radio on God tends to choose the perfect songs for me to hear. So I wanted to just trust that God would give me some encouragement or at least let me hear songs that would remind me of His truths.

There is a song called Rattle! by Elevation Worship; well it was one of the first songs that played on my drive there and it was one of the last songs I heard on my drive home. Here are some of the lyrics…

“Saturday was silent
Surely it was through
But since when has impossible
Ever stopped You
Friday’s disappointment
Is Sunday’s empty tomb
Since when has impossible
Ever stopped You

This is the sound of dry bones rattling
This is the praise make a dead man walk again
Open the grave, I’m coming out
I’m gonna live, gonna live again
This is the sound of dry bones rattling

Pentecostal fire stirring something new
You’re not gonna run out of miracles anytime soon
Yeah, resurrection power runs in my veins too
I believe there’s another miracle here in this room…

My God is able to save and deliver and heal
And restore anything that He wants to
Just ask the man who was thrown
On the bones of Elisha
If there’s anything that He can’t do
Just ask the stone that was rolled
At the tomb in the garden
What happens when God says to move”

On my drive there I realized that if God wanted to he could make the baby alive again either because we were off on our date and everything was fine or just because he could bring the baby back. So I prayed for that, but I also did not expect that to happen. Not because I did not believe he couldn’t do it, but because I know that we always don’t get the answers we want. I also felt like this song gave me a little bit of hope for the future. I kind of felt like my body was a tomb of sorts, I had lost a baby. But I trust in the future there will be life again in there, a resurrection of sorts. And God can heal and restore my brokenness and feelings of worry. The feelings of worry that this will happen again and the feelings that will come when we do get pregnant again.

These are just some of the thoughts I have had and some things I wanted to share, I sure there will be lots more thoughts that for sure. Again I know grief is a process and I know moments of sadness will hit me at different times. Miscarriage is definitely a weird thing emotionally. I know so many women go through it, but it really does just sucks. There are times you really don’t know how to feel or act or what the right thing is to do. I know the first week or two after I kind felt like I was just trying to get through each day. Those couple weeks surrounding the miscarriage the week of and the week after just felt like a mess of emotions and sometimes I just felt like a crazy person. I did not feel deeply saddened which I kind of struggled with and still do to some degree. I question why since I am such an emotional person. I know there is not a right or wrong way to grieve, but I do know it is important to at least try to process it and so I have tried to be intentional at doing that. It is easy for me to just not think about things and avoid the emotions that come with it. I know I can always be better, but that is why I am writing these things out to help me process some more. I hope to continue to process life and grief and all the emotions that I know will come at different times. Hopefully my story has encourage you or helped you in some way. I hope that more women feel open to share their stories and their struggles. Don’t ever hesitate to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to. Life can feel lonely enough and if I have realized anything miscarriage is definitely not something you have to struggle through alone. So many women have dealt with loss and it is encouraging to just know that someone else understands.